Thursday, October 30, 2003

Dying to self is definitely the hardest. It seems like an endless death . . . I just keep dying over and over and never seem to be dead. Which does say much about me making any real progress. Maybe I just think that I am dying over and over. I'm probably not dying at all. I think I am just going through the mourning process over and over. I keep attending my own funeral, imagining myself to actually to be dying to self and becoming alive to God, but never really going through with it. A personal inventory shows that I still have all the flesh I started with.

I am more aware. At least I make a half-hearted attempt at having a funeral for myself. Maybe I am getting closer to actually going through with it. Being dead has got to be better than mourning your own death again and again. I guess that means that I really don't want to die. I should celebrate and be spiritually dead to the world. It ought to be a party, but feels more like a dirge.

Actually, the more I think about it, what I want is to be dead. What seems so hard is the life of the flesh that is still in me. What makes me miserable is the lust of the eyes, the lust of the flesh, and the pride of life. I think I do want to be free from those things. Forget what I said about not wanting to die. I do want to die. I am impatient with how long it is taking! The things that make me depressed, that make me angry, that suck the joy out of life, are things that come out of my sinful nature. My flesh does not like the way my life is headed - maybe that is good news! Maybe God is working! I like that thought.

No comments: