Wednesday, November 12, 2003

What am I thinking? What am I thinking? Truly, honestly, deep down inside whatever the conscious mind really is, what am I thinking? Actually, I am thinking about what I'm feeling. I'm not always doing that, but that's what I am doing now. At least I'm thinking that writing what I am feeling would be a whole lot easier than writing what I'm thinking.

So what am I feeling? That is a lot easier to know, I guess because I probably believe that a thought should be something noteworthy, but a feeling just is what it is. But I don't think I really want to write about what I'm feeling because I start to think about what someone else is going to think of what I'm feeling. I guess it is easier to write about what I think, but easier to know how I feel - if that makes any sense. (By now it is obvious I just sat down to write something, anything - without any real plan. If this stream of consciousness thing doesn't work, I won't do it again).

Ok, let's be honest about the feeling part. I feel scared. I've always felt scared. Not knowing what the future holds, and being smart enough to realize that it often holds unpleasantries, is enough to make any sane person scared. What I feel scared about has changed a lot over the years, but I always find something to be scared about. When I was ten I was sometimes scared of other kids who picked fights, and I never wanted to fight. I was scared of getting in trouble. When I was in high school and college I would dread upcoming events - like some big test or very unpleasant requirement like having to give a speech in class. Now, it is easy to worry about the kids - are they going to turn out to be decent, functional people? I'd be happy with just normal - I don't need super-achievements. Just don't be an ax-murderer.

Now to be honest, I don't just feel scared. I would be terrified if I only felt scared. No, I also feel loved, and happy, and even secure. I feel secure about matters much bigger than the things I'm scared of. When I live all too aware of and focused on the little things, the bits and pieces about the future that are uncertain, my sense of fear can grow. But there is this really big and sure sense of ultimate comfort that reminds me that even if my worst fears come to pass, I'm safe with God. Where did that come from? I didn't get that reassuring peace because someone told me about it; I think it came through having lived through a lifetime of fears and discovering God's faithfulness.

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